January- May was pretty uneventful to be honest, but was actually quite fun looking back. Dan and Phil, two YouTubers that I got into went on tour, and along I went with some friends I had made through watching them. We visited a few places and met up with other like minded people on the way. We went to Brighton, London, Birmingham, Leeds, Cardiff, Sweden and Amsterdam.
Gary Barlow also did a tour, and off we went travelling again. I spent my birthday in Dublin with the girls, and from there we went to Killarney, a cute Irish place that I would never have been to if the boys hadn't been there. It was so lovely, I'd love to go back there so I could explore the city a bit more, there is a lovely waterfall that I want to go to one day. We also went to the London show of course and then Scarborough. I will never forget the day after Scarborough which is where the next chapter of my life began...
June 2018, the year that my long term relationship ended. There I was thinking I was in a stable, mostly loving relationship with a man that I thought I wanted to marry and then boom, it was over and my life was completely turned upside down. I was thrown into disarray, I didn't know what to do with myself. Here I was, working and living in London, not knowing anyone locally who I could move in with, all my friends are either outside of London or married/in long term relationships and the panic set in. Looking back now, I know the relationship was not healthy for either of us, and it was more convenience than anything in the last year or so however this does not mean it has not been extremely stressful, for both of us.
I spent a lot of June-September being really depressed and anxious, spending a lot of time feeling extremely lonely. I went from having someone there 24/7 to being on my own 24/7, something I was not used to in the last 10 years. I pushed a lot of my friends away because I didn't want to see anyone. The things I enjoyed doing, like staying up late watching (crappy) YouTube videos became a chore, I didn't even want to talk to people online because I felt so embarrassed and bad about myself. I couldn't leave the house for fear of seeing other people in relationships, its weird how you notice really small things when you're depressed and full of anxiety. I compared myself to EVERYONE else. I saw people holding hands and it made me feel bad about myself, it made me hate myself. Why couldn't I find someone who wanted to do that with me, why was I a bad person that couldn't make someone love me, what was it that I was doing wrong. I spent a very long time beating myself up mentally, I spent a lot of time hating on myself and in honesty I spent a lot of time hoping that the next day would not come and I wouldn't wake up.
I think it's a good thing to be open and honest about your mental health, I've read a lot of articles around this and it is so important to talk to people. I spent about a month telling people I didn't want to see them, I would make plans with people only to cancel them on the day because I wanted to stay at home and wallow in self pity. Looking back this was completely the wrong thing to do, I wish I hadn't done this and that I had got myself dressed and eaten properly and just taken proper care of myself. I can't tell you how much better it has been since opening up to people and talking it through with them. It got so bad at one point I went to see my GP, who in his words "was scared" when I was talking to him and explaining how I felt. I shrugged off a lot of the discussion though, telling myself "it's heartbreak, i'll get over it in a few weeks" not really thinking about the impact it would have on me in the long term and even though my GP gave me a prescription for some anti-depressants, I shredded the prescription telling myself I didn't need anything. Weeks came and went by and I did feel better, or so I thought, but underneath the anxiety and depression were bubbling away and I just tried to push them aside and pretend it wasn't happening.
As time went on, I became less lonely, and started to enjoy my own company again. I started finding enjoyment in the things I once loved, I started posting more online, I started watching YouTube videos and I let my friends support me. Without my friends and family I honestly don't think I would be here. I opened up to them and let them know everything that was going on and they checked in on me all the time. The girls at work, who saw me every day were amazing too, I don't think words can express how much I am grateful for their love and their support. I just hope one day I can repay them. People online too, people I've never met, were just so supportive, sending me messages and making sure I was okay. This is why I say that talking about mental health is so important.
At the end of August, someone special came into my life, someone that helped me more than she will ever understand. We got chatting, chatting a lot. We spoke all the time and I was able to confide in her as she understood depression and anxiety and she was able to talk me through a lot of the bad times. I will always remember being in New York in the evening and talking to her over Twitter, it must have been about 2am (or later) in the UK but her just being there to chat to made all the difference, I enjoyed myself so much because even though I was filled with anxiety I knew that there would come a time when she woke up and we would get chatting again. She filled in the empty space and she didn't just say "it'll get better", she gave me strategies and told me to "breathe" when it was difficult. Now we are in December and this person, well without sounding a complete cringe-bag, makes me very happy. I'm not quite sure how she puts up with me because I spend a lot of time full of self doubt. I question myself a lot, and I don't know how she hasn't told to me piss off tbh. I have become someone that is very negative about myself, which is something for 2019 I really want to work on. I think too much, I hate being on my own sometimes because I end up in a spiral of self doubt, and I end up questioning myself constantly, why would anyone want to be with me, am I going to end up pushing someone else away, I don't want to be in an end of relationship situation, am I being too intense. I want nothing than to make someone happy because looking after people is what makes me happy, but I feel like my personality has taken such a beating, I cant understand why anyone would want me.
Since September I've been suffering with a lot of illnesses. As someone who is never sick (I joke that I have a stomach of steel as working in the NHS I have never had norovirus), I have definitely had my 38 years worth of illness in the last 2 months. I think I could probably put a lot of it down to not eating properly, being constantly stressed and filled with anxiety. I started off having palpitations (in the form of skipped heart beats). I had them for a solid week in September, on the lead up to my trip to NYC, and then again for another week in October. It was beat once, miss a beat, beat, miss a beat constantly for the whole day. I only got relief from it when I was asleep. As the end of the week approached I couldn't take it anymore and off I went to the GP. Now, joking aside, I'm pretty sure I could walk into my GP practice at the moment and they'd know me on a first name basis because I have been in there A LOT this last month. I had multiple ECG's (a scan of the heart) which showed the skipped beats but not a lot else. They sent me to have a 24 hour heart monitor, again this came back negative. I decided to try and take matters into my own hands and in November I decided I was going to cut out caffeine, alcohol and go vegan, to try and eat more healthily. Sure enough the constant palpitations stopped and *touch wood* I've not had them as constantly since that week in October. I do get a skipped beat every now and again but I've been told this is fine and normal. The palpitations made me feel super anxious because there is a history of heart disease in my family and with me being over weight I was sure I was going to pass out dead. Mix this with me panicking that I was on my own in the flat made me completely crazy tbh. I thought about it all the time, I checked my pulse constantly, and I mean constantly, just to make sure it was regular. On top of this I started to have episodes where it felt like my body was detaching from itself and that I was going to faint, and my heart would start racing. Off I went to the GP again. At this point I was waiting for my 24 hour monitor results and I remember sitting in the surgery crying because I was convinced I was going to keel over and die, ironic really given that a few weeks before I wanted nothing more than to not wake up. These weird episodes got worse, they were happening more frequently, and then on a Friday I was on the ward and I collapsed. I got taken down to A&E and there is a big chunk of time missing where I was in the waiting room and then I woke up in majors, not really knowing what happened in-between. Since then I've not been back to work. My ECG again was normal, my bloods normal and a chest xray normal. I've been suffering with a really fuzzy head and when I walk around it feels like I'm walking on a cloud. It hurts to look at the light for a long time. I was taken back to my parents house that weekend, after they declared to me a few hundred times how pale I was. I'm not gonna lie, I felt really unwell. Monday came and I was determined to go back to work, I got ready and got on the bus, then got off two stops later, the world was spinning and I thought I was going to throw up. I went to the GP for the third time and they basically rushed me out, telling me "take a week off work, eat normally, come back in a week". I was, and even to this point, I'm quite annoyed. There is no answer, I still have no answer. I went back to the GP a week later because I still don't feel right and cried, yet again. Have you noticed a theme, there is a lot of crying, I could probably fill a good sized river with the amount of crying I have done this year, again one thing to stop in 2019. They have signed me off work until 27th December which you might think is a good thing, but be inside my head and let me tell you this is the worst thing that could possibly be happening. Three weeks of self doubt, feeling too unwell to do anything and thinking = crazy Emma.
Anyways, this is kind of where we are at now, it's December and nearly Christmas. I have a lot of feelings about Christmas, I'm looking forwards to it, because I get to spend it with my family but I'm also hoping it's over soon. The thing I'm looking forwards to most is someone opening her presents because I think I got some pretty good ones and like I said ^^ I just want to make people happy, but after that, it can be New Year please. I've decided that 2019 is going to be a brand new year, and a brand new me. I need for the over thinking and negativity to go, I really dislike the person I have become. I worry about everything, and I feel anxious constantly. I want to make improvements with that, so I have referred myself for therapy. It was a big step but I know I needed to do it. I've had the initial consultation and now I'm just waiting to hear back from them about how they can help. I feel proud of myself for taking the step and admitting I need help. My GP also did the depression and anxiety score when I last went, and I scored moderate on both so she has given me some other telephone numbers if I need to call them.
Wow, that was a lot wasn't it. I wanted to write it all down because I want to be able to look back in 2019 and see how far I've come. In 2020 I'm going to be 40 and I want to make a list of 40 things to do before I'm 40. That is my next mission for this blog, to write it all down and try and achieve it. I want to get the list up before 2018 is over, so that it gives me 17 months to actually achieve all of them. If you bother to read this far and can think of anything you think would be fun then please leave me a comment and I'll add it to the list.
Right, I'm going, thank you for reading and I hope you have a lovely Christmas (or seasonal holiday) and a very happy New Year
Emma x
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