3. Go To Las Vegas

03/03/19 - 11/03/19
My first post is going to be about Las Vegas.  Robbie Williams had announced that he was going to do a tour there and, well as many will know, he is one of my favourite artists.  I spend a lot of my life going to see him in shows and travelling to see him, so it seemed like a great idea to go somewhere I had wanted to go for so long and to see him, so me, Shirley and Sophie booked to go.


Our flight left London on 04/03/19 and (me being me) decided to try and make it as cheap as possible so we had one transfer via LA.  Would I do that again? Definitely not.  The flight was amazing, it was really comfy and we were really lucky.  We had a 3 person row and no-one was sitting next to us, so me and Soph had time to spread out.  I watched a couple of films, the views were breath-taking and the food was good (I was vegan at the time) but the connection between LAX and LV was the most annoying and stress inducing thing.  I always assumed that during a transfer the airline were in charge of moving your bags from plane to plane, ohhhh no! When we landed at LAX we had to wait for our bags to come through and then get into the massive security queue and go through to put our bags on a separate conveyor.  This probably wouldn't have been a massive issue had our luggage not been delayed for half an hour giving us less than half an hour to find the next flight. We spent ages trying to convince some of the airport staff to let us through a shortcut way but tbh they were mega unhelpful.  Luckily there were a few others on our flight who had the same problem and after we all started complaining we were let through.  After all the stress and running to the next gate, our next flight was delayed by an hour so all in all, never get a transfer haha!! The next flight was smooth though and as we flew into Las Vegas we had some amazing night views of the strip.  I was so excited.

As soon as we landed we headed to the hotel. We were staying in the Mandalay Bay hotel and when we turned up I was so shocked.  I heard Vegas was big but wow, this was massive.  The hotel literally has the biggest casino and shopping centre inside.  There is a restaurant and also a tattoo parlour too not to mention the train station! It's amazing.  When we got there, Shirley and Heather were already there so we went to our room and I was again amazed at the room, it was beautiful

We decided to head out down the strip, just to see what it was like.  I probably looked like a fool as I walked round with my mouth wide open, it was just really a sight that I didn't expect.  It was just so great.  We decided to go down to the end of the strip and walk back to the hotel (which was lonnnnng).  On the way back we bumped into Robbie which was hilarious, first night and seeing him, can't believe it.  It was all caught on video as he does blogs and was funny watching it back.  He was asking us about the flight and what films we had watched etc, was really cool to see him.  He mentioned the dress rehearsal (that we expected but didn't know) and we managed to get on the guest list so woohoo! Always love a freebie.  After seeing him we carried on walking back to our hotel which seemed to take hours but given we were on a high was actually really nice.

When we woke up the next morning we had a look round the hotel grounds, the "beach" they had at the hotel was fantastic, it wasn't season yet though so stayed closed for a few days, when it opened at the end of our stay it was empty still because to them it wasn't really very warm.  I remember being there and laughing because they don't think it's hot in Vegas in March yet there we were arms out, sunglasses on and enjoying the hot hot hot.  The beach was so good though, it was completely sandy and they had a wave machine in the water which made it seem like proper waves.  There was also a couple of jacuzzi's there where you could sit in and they would bring you drinks so you could just totally relax.  I think my favourite bit though was the lazy river!  It was so fast moving but also just proper relaxing with the rings where you could sit in and just go round and round in the sunshine.

During the trip we did so much stuff, our hotel was one end of the strip and the venue for the gig was the other end so we did so much walking.  The walking wasn't particularly bad though because the food, well the food isn't the healthiest.  I don't really remember finding much other than burgers, burgers and more burgers.  In our hotel we had a House Of Blues restaurant and we had breakfast there once which was MEGA in portion size but so delicious.  There is no way you can manage to eat three meals a day in Vegas because the breakfast just fills you up for the whole day.  I was grateful then when I got back home I had actually lost weight rather than put it on, this must have been due to the amount of walking that we did.

One part of the trip that I will never forget is walking down the strip on the first day and almost every day after actually.  Every thing there is just so big.  People will tell you about Vegas and they'll say how it's the gambling capital and you can go there to spend money and to win money and to drink a lot but for me, it wasn't really about that.  I enjoyed just walking past all the huge buildings and being in awe of how tall things were.  Seeing the Eiffel Tower restaurant all lit up and walking through the Bellagio Hotel and seeing all the flowers and shops and casinos inside the hotel. One of the hotels has a rollercoaster that runs through it and you just can't believe how it was all made like that. All the streets have escalators on them to go over the many bridges there, so you basically don't really use any energy going up them. The roads are huge so the bridges go on forever. I remember one day we were there they had rain overnight so the next day all the escalators weren't working and people just didn't know what to do with themselves. There doesn't seem to be many street crossings there but I assumed this was because of the heavy traffic they have.





 I would definitely go back to Vegas, I feel like the 10 or so days I spent there wasn't enough time to see everything. I would really like to go to the Grand Canyon also, we didn't manage to make it there because we didn't have enough time. You can get a coach there however it takes all day and we had planned all our days for other stuff. We did make it to a Hoover Dam tour and even that was just jaw dropping. It's just again, so huge. It's well worth planning excursions like that if you can because it is nice to get away from the strip for one or two days. At the Dam they have a cafe and you can get a "Dam Dog" which is the biggest hot dog I have ever seen. We had to try one though because why not right!

There is so much to say about Vegas. One thing we did to try and see as much as possible was get a Go Explore card which gives you access to the attractions. We got a card for 5 different things but you can get a range of cards with a different number of attractions. We tried to vary ours as much as possible and we did:
1. Night bus tour
2. Hop on, hop off tour (day time - this takes you to the Vegas sign)
3. Hoover Dam tour
4. Vegas show
5. High Roller

You can also use this to go up the Strat however we didn't use the card, instead we booked into the bar which is one floor below where you can go with the pass. This way is just as good, plus it's free and means you can use the card for other bits. The Strat is well worth doing as the bar rotates 360 degrees but slowly so you do get to go round and see a really good view of the desert. It's also very bizarre as they have people jumping off the top of the Strat so you sit there having a drink and every now and again someone jumps off and you see them bunjee past!

Right, I hope that you have enjoyed reading all of that.  If there is anything you should take from this post it is, go to Vegas, it is fun.

40 things update

How has it been 7 months since I wrote my list? That time has gone ridiculously fast! There is just under 10 months to go until I am 40 and I have made some effort into getting some ticked off.  I'll admit I slightly forgot about my list because I've been up and down from a mental health point of view.  I feel a little bit back on track now and having something like this to aim for will be very helpful. 
What I will do is make a post per fun thing ticked off I think, that way I can look back at the achievements and it will make me smile from all of the good memories.
I have some things planned from my list which is also really fun and I cannot wait to do in the next few months. 

1. Lose 5 stone - 1 stone down.
2. Visit Disneyland/Disney World - going in October
3. Go to Las Vegas
4. Visit 3 new places
5. Go on a spa weekend
6. Treat my parents to something nice
7. Learn the alphabet in sign language 
8. Go on a holiday that isn't Take That related - Going in August
9. Go camping/glamping
10. Make 3 birthday cakes for friends/family
11. Get my hair dyed, professionally
12. Go to Sketch
13. Donate to 3 different charities
14. Learn to enjoy my own company and go to the cinema on my own
15. Pay off my credit card
16. Swim at least 50 lengths more than once
17. Be vegan for at least 3 months
18. Climb a mountain
19. See Cirque De Soleil
20. Go to the theatre (to see something non Take That related)
21. Travel across part of Europe by train
22. Do karaoke 
23. Go pumpkin picking
24. Take a photo once a day from May 2019 to May 2020
25. Hire a bike and cycle somewhere
26. Drink prosecco/a cocktail in a roof top bar and watch the sunset
27. Host a dinner party
28. Meet 5 online friends, offline. 
29. Buy myself something expensive and not worry about it
30. Swim in the sea
31. Play bingo
32. Take vitamins every day for a whole month
33. Buy a nice dress and wear it somewhere nice
34. Read 3 books
35. Visit a new National Trust property
36. Print out a family photo and get it framed
37. Sort out important paperwork at home
38. Go back to Harry Potter Studios
39. Do an Escape Room
40. Go somewhere fun and exciting for my 40th

Something to aim for

So, I said before that I was going to make a 40 things I want to do before I hit 40 and I have finally finished it, so here it is! Fingers crossed I can tick all of them off by May 2020.  My plan is to put posts on here when I've done them, a little bit like an online scrapbook. 

1. Lose 5 stone
2. Visit Disneyland/Disney World
3. Go to Las Vegas
4. Visit 3 new places
5. Go on a spa weekend
6. Treat my parents to something nice
7. Learn the alphabet in sign language 
8. Go on a holiday that isn't Take That related
9. Go camping/glamping
10. Make 3 birthday cakes for friends/family
11. Get my hair dyed, professionally
12. Go to Sketch for afternoon tea
13. Donate to 3 different charities
14. Learn to enjoy my own company and go to the cinema on my own
15. Pay off my credit card
16. Swim at least 50 lengths more than once
17. Be vegan for at least 3 months
18. Climb a mountain
19. See Cirque De Soleil
20. Go to the theatre (to see something non Take That related)
21. Travel across part of Europe by train
22. Do karaoke 
23. Go pumpkin picking
24. Take a photo once a day from May 2019 to May 2020
25. Hire a bike and cycle somewhere
26. Drink prosecco/a cocktail in a roof top bar and watch the sunset
27. Host a dinner party
28. Meet 5 online friends, offline. 
29. Buy myself something expensive and not worry about it
30. Swim in the sea
31. Play Bingo
32. Take vitamins every day for a whole month
33. Buy a nice dress and wear it somewhere nice
34. Read 3 books
35. Visit a new National Trust property
36. Print out a family photo and get it framed
37. Sort out important paperwork at home
38. Go back to Harry Potter Studios
39. Do an Escape Room
40. Go somewhere fun and exciting for my 40th

Let me know what you think, do they sound fun?  Is there anything you would like to do off the list?  Is there something on there that you think sounds un-achievable? All comments welcome :) 

2018

Well 2018 was a year wasn't it.  A year that I really would like to forget and pretend that it didn't happen.  I mean, I can't lie and say that it was all bad, but 70% of it is an era of my life that I would ideally like to wipe from my memory and pretend it didn't happen.

January- May was pretty uneventful to be honest, but was actually quite fun looking back.  Dan and Phil, two YouTubers that I got into went on tour, and along I went with some friends I had made through watching them.  We visited a few places and met up with other like minded people on the way.  We went to Brighton, London, Birmingham, Leeds, Cardiff, Sweden and Amsterdam.

Gary Barlow also did a tour, and off we went travelling again.  I spent my birthday in Dublin with the girls, and from there we went to Killarney, a cute Irish place that I would never have been to if the boys hadn't been there.  It was so lovely, I'd love to go back there so I could explore the city a bit more, there is a lovely waterfall that I want to go to one day.    We also went to the London show of course and then Scarborough.  I will never forget the day after Scarborough which is where the next chapter of my life began...

June 2018, the year that my long term relationship ended.  There I was thinking I was in a stable, mostly loving relationship with a man that I thought I wanted to marry and then boom, it was over and my life was completely turned upside down.  I was thrown into disarray, I didn't know what to do with myself.  Here I was, working and living in London, not knowing anyone locally who I could move in with, all my friends are either outside of London or married/in long term relationships and the panic set in.  Looking back now, I know the relationship was not healthy for either of us, and it was more convenience than anything in the last year or so however this does not mean it has not been extremely stressful, for both of us.
I spent a lot of June-September being really depressed and anxious, spending a lot of time feeling extremely lonely.  I went from having someone there 24/7 to being on my own 24/7, something I was not used to in the last 10 years.  I pushed a lot of my friends away because I didn't want to see anyone.  The things I enjoyed doing, like staying up late watching (crappy) YouTube videos became a chore, I didn't even want to talk to people online because I felt so embarrassed and bad about myself.  I couldn't leave the house for fear of seeing other people in relationships, its weird how you notice really small things when you're depressed and full of anxiety.  I compared myself to EVERYONE else.  I saw people holding hands and it made me feel bad about myself, it made me hate myself.  Why couldn't I find someone who wanted to do that with me, why was I a bad person that couldn't make someone love me, what was it that I was doing wrong.  I spent a very long time beating myself up mentally, I spent a lot of time hating on myself and in honesty I spent a lot of time hoping that the next day would not come and I wouldn't wake up.
I think it's a good thing to be open and honest about your mental health, I've read a lot of articles around this and it is so important to talk to people.  I spent about a month telling people I didn't want to see them, I would make plans with people only to cancel them on the day because I wanted to stay at home and wallow in self pity.  Looking back this was completely the wrong thing to do, I wish I hadn't done this and that I had got myself dressed and eaten properly and just taken proper care of myself.  I can't tell you how much better it has been since opening up to people and talking it through with them.  It got so bad at one point I went to see my GP, who in his words "was scared" when I was talking to him and explaining how I felt.  I shrugged off a lot of the discussion though, telling myself "it's heartbreak, i'll get over it in a few weeks" not really thinking about the impact it would have on me in the long term and even though my GP gave me a prescription for some anti-depressants, I shredded the prescription telling myself I didn't need anything.  Weeks came and went by and I did feel better, or so I thought, but underneath the anxiety and depression were bubbling away and I just tried to push them aside and pretend it wasn't happening.

As time went on, I became less lonely, and started to enjoy my own company again.  I started finding enjoyment in the things I once loved, I started posting more online, I started watching YouTube videos and I let my friends support me.  Without my friends and family I honestly don't think I would be here.  I opened up to them and let them know everything that was going on and they checked in on me all the time.  The girls at work, who saw me every day were amazing too, I don't think words can express how much I am grateful for their love and their support.  I just hope one day I can repay them.  People online too, people I've never met, were just so supportive, sending me messages and making sure I was okay.  This is why I say that talking about mental health is so important.

At the end of August, someone special came into my life, someone that helped me more than she will ever understand.  We got chatting, chatting a lot.  We spoke all the time and I was able to confide in her as she understood depression and anxiety and she was able to talk me through a lot of the bad times.  I will always remember being in New York in the evening and talking to her over Twitter, it must have been about 2am (or later) in the UK but her just being there to chat to made all the difference, I enjoyed myself so much because even though I was filled with anxiety I knew that there would come a time when she woke up and we would get chatting again.  She filled in the empty space and she didn't just say "it'll get better", she gave me strategies and told me to "breathe" when it was difficult.  Now we are in December and this person, well without sounding a complete cringe-bag, makes me very happy.  I'm not quite sure how she puts up with me because I spend a lot of time full of self doubt.  I question myself a lot, and I don't know how she hasn't told to me piss off tbh.  I have become someone that is very negative about myself, which is something for 2019 I really want to work on.  I think too much, I hate being on my own sometimes because I end up in a spiral of self doubt, and I end up questioning myself constantly, why would anyone want to be with me, am I going to end up pushing someone else away, I don't want to be in an end of relationship situation, am I being too intense.  I want nothing than to make someone happy because looking after people is what makes me happy, but I feel like my personality has taken such a beating, I cant understand why anyone would want me.

Since September I've been suffering with a lot of illnesses.  As someone who is never sick (I joke that I have a stomach of steel as working in the NHS I have never had norovirus), I have definitely had my 38 years worth of illness in the last 2 months.  I think I could probably put a lot of it down to not eating properly, being constantly stressed and filled with anxiety.  I started off having palpitations (in the form of skipped heart beats).  I had them for a solid week in September, on the lead up to my trip to NYC, and then again for another week in October.  It was beat once, miss a beat, beat, miss a beat constantly for the whole day.  I only got relief from it when I was asleep.  As the end of the week approached I couldn't take it anymore and off I went to the GP.  Now, joking aside, I'm pretty sure I could walk into my GP practice at the moment and they'd know me on a first name basis because I have been in there A LOT this last month.  I had multiple ECG's (a scan of the heart) which showed the skipped beats but not a lot else.  They sent me to have a 24 hour heart monitor, again this came back negative.  I decided to try and take matters into my own hands and in November I decided I was going to cut out caffeine, alcohol and go vegan, to try and eat more healthily.  Sure enough the constant palpitations stopped and *touch wood* I've not had them as constantly since that week in October.  I do get a skipped beat every now and again but I've been told this is fine and normal.  The palpitations made me feel super anxious because there is a history of heart disease in my family and with me being over weight I was sure I was going to pass out dead.  Mix this with me panicking that I was on my own in the flat made me completely crazy tbh.  I thought about it all the time, I checked my pulse constantly, and I mean constantly, just to make sure it was regular.  On top of this I started to have episodes where it felt like my body was detaching from itself and that I was going to faint, and my heart would start racing.  Off I went to the GP again.  At this point I was waiting for my 24 hour monitor results and I remember sitting in the surgery crying because I was convinced I was going to keel over and die, ironic really given that a few weeks before I wanted nothing more than to not wake up.  These weird episodes got worse, they were happening more frequently, and then on a Friday I was on the ward and I collapsed.  I got taken down to A&E and there is a big chunk of time missing where I was in the waiting room and then I woke up in majors, not really knowing what happened in-between.  Since then I've not been back to work.  My ECG again was normal, my bloods normal and a chest xray normal.  I've been suffering with a really fuzzy head and when I walk around it feels like I'm walking on a cloud.  It hurts to look at the light for a long time.  I was taken back to my parents house that weekend, after they declared to me a few hundred times how pale I was.  I'm not gonna lie, I felt really unwell.  Monday came and I was determined to go back to work, I got ready and got on the bus, then got off two stops later, the world was spinning and I thought I was going to throw up.  I went to the GP for the third time and they basically rushed me out, telling me "take a week off work, eat normally, come back in a week".  I was, and even to this point, I'm quite annoyed.  There is no answer, I still have no answer.  I went back to the GP a week later because I still don't feel right and cried, yet again.  Have you noticed a theme, there is a lot of crying, I could probably fill a good sized river with the amount of crying I have done this year, again one thing to stop in 2019.  They have signed me off work until 27th December which you might think is a good thing, but be inside my head and let me tell you this is the worst thing that could possibly be happening.  Three weeks of self doubt, feeling too unwell to do anything and thinking = crazy Emma.

Anyways, this is kind of where we are at now, it's December and nearly Christmas.  I have a lot of feelings about Christmas, I'm looking forwards to it, because I get to spend it with my family but I'm also hoping it's over soon.  The thing I'm looking forwards to most is someone opening her presents because I think I got some pretty good ones and like I said ^^ I just want to make people happy, but after that, it can be New Year please.  I've decided that 2019 is going to be a brand new year, and a brand new me.  I need for the over thinking and negativity to go, I really dislike the person I have become.  I worry about everything, and I feel anxious constantly.  I want to make improvements with that, so I have referred myself for therapy.  It was a big step but I know I needed to do it.  I've had the initial consultation and now I'm just waiting to hear back from them about how they can help.  I feel proud of myself for taking the step and admitting I need help.  My GP also did the depression and anxiety score when I last went, and I scored moderate on both so she has given me some other telephone numbers if I need to call them.

Wow, that was a lot wasn't it.  I wanted to write it all down because I want to be able to look back in 2019 and see how far I've come.  In 2020 I'm going to be 40 and I want to make a list of 40 things to do before I'm 40.  That is my next mission for this blog, to write it all down and try and achieve it.  I want to get the list up before 2018 is over, so that it gives me 17 months to actually achieve all of them.  If you bother to read this far and can think of anything you think would be fun then please leave me a comment and I'll add it to the list.

Right, I'm going, thank you for reading and I hope you have a lovely Christmas (or seasonal holiday) and a very happy New Year

Emma x